You’ve been dumped.
Short of throwing yourself off the nearest bridge, you resort to hiding in your bed for days, comforted only by the fact that at least you have a year’s supply of Moonpies by your bedside and your answering machine is on the alert in the hopeful case that your once loved one might call and beg to have you back.
Only, that call never comes and that box of Moonpies? It’s a constant reminder that the emptier it gets, the more bloated you are. But, you don’t care. You wish the earth would open you up and swallow you whole. Sound familiar?
Cases like this happens everyday.
Falling in love has its risks and you’ve just experienced it first hand. You want your life back but don’t know the first thing about how to get out of that black cloud that hovers over you, or even finding the energy to do it.
What do you do?
Acknowledge the fact that you have to go through three different stages during a break-up. Once you realize this, you can chart your progress and see that it’s only a short trip to recovery.
STAGE ONE – The Hurting Stage
Symptoms: This is the hurting stage. It’s where you are now. It’s your heart’s way of telling you that you have just experienced the worse kind of hurt there is. You cry, you’re depressed and you have no idea how you are going to live without him/her. You leave messages on his answering machine and text him to the point where you are becoming psycho. You drive by his house in the wee early morning to see if his vehicle is still at his house or he is – gulp – off with another woman. You drive by where he works and contemplate going in and crying your eyeballs out to let him know this has hurt you beyond repair. You either eat tremendous amounts of comfort food or you don’t eat at all and your health suffers. You cry on your co-worker’s shoulders and hope they can help you get out of this mess. You are, essentially, gone and a hopeless mess.
How to cope: Now more than ever would be a good time to hang out with friends and watch a few comedies, even though you just aren’t up to it. Rekindle family relationships. Talk to older family members about how they met their husbands/wives and how they coped with troubled relationships. Gain insight from them. Try to remember things that brought you happiness. Was it a bike ride through the countryside? A trip to the beach even in the cold of winter just to watch the waves lap against the shore? How about that closet that is in desperate need of rearranging/cleaning/sorting? Now is the time to focus on you.
You have to acknowledge that this is the normal process of grieving a relationship that has died. Nothing can really help at this point because as with the death of a loved one, this is the same feeling. It’s a natural process. Give it time and remember that soon you will enter the second stage.
THE SECOND STAGE – The Getting Even Stage
Symptoms: Remarkably, when your heart begins to heal, your hurt turns to anger. What nerve he/she had to dump me! You vow you’re going to make his/her life a living hell as long as you are alive. You start dating. Only, these are rebounds. Rebound relationships most times happen in this second stage. Some last, but most do not for the simple reason that you will do anything in your power to inflict pain on the one who did it to you.
How to cope: Once you get to this stage, you’re halfway there. Even though anger is not a healthy feeling to have, it is a normal reaction after you’ve gotten over the feeling of hurt. However, instead of going postal and risk the chance you may do something you’ll regret later, take his/her picture and throw darts at it. Burn love letters. Finalize the break-up by getting rid of everything you have of his/hers. But keep in mind that years from now, you’ll wish you did have some kind of remembrance of the relationship because it’s all part of your life history. Whatever you do keep, look at it as a symbol of how well you did cope and can look at the relationship as a learning experience.
STAGE THREE – The Not Giving a Damn Stage
Symptoms: You wake up one morning and ask yourself what you saw in this person in the first place. Nothing he/she does now bothers you. In fact, you are happy he/she has left because you are ready now to form new relationships, new loves.
How to Cope: You are there. When you hit this last stage, you have finally come to the point where you can go on from here and form new relationships. Relationships that aren’t rebound. When you finally get to this last stage, you will become the person you once were – full of happiness, hope and a quest for life.
Once you realize the three stages of a break-up, it helps you to understand the process that is involved. Just as it took time to fall in love, you don’t just fall out of it overnight.
It helps to remember that there will always be a tomorrow and that there is always that second chance to find that special person who is meant to share his/her life with you. Life is full of second, third and even more chances. So, pick up your heart, go through the process to heal and chalk it all up to experience. You’ll be glad you did. In the words of an unknown author, “Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.”
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Keeping Love Alive
I believe that finding, sustaining, growing, and enjoying satisfying relationships is one of greatest joys and challenges we have as human beings. We have generally been blessed with a tremendous desire to love and be loved; to listen and be listened to; to take care of and accept care from others. And yet meaningful, sustainable relationships often elude us – especially as it applies to the opposite sex.
Here are some things I’ve learned in my walk through life - as a divorced single mom, widower, and over 50 remarried - about finding and sustaining a “soul-mate” relationship:
1. Know who you are and what you want. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t know what it is. As women look for love, we often take what comes our way rather than seeking what and who we want. Knowing the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with comes from knowing who you are – your values, interests, what you can/will tolerate, what you won’t.
2. Learn how to disagree, speak your mind, and/or confront.
Avoiding conflict is death for a marriage. It may seem like you’re on the right path by never, ever arguing or disagreeing but avoiding conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. Passion is extinguished in this environment. Learn to fight fair and keep the slate clear. (see article on What Are You Afraid Of?)
3. Speaking of passion – keep the fire lit! I think women often underestimate the critical role sexuality and having a really good sex life plays in a successful marriage. Men, you know what I’m talking about! Create romantic opportunities, ask for what you want, talk, talk, talk – do what you as a couple need to do to keep this aspect of your relationship alive and well.
4. Don’t allow children and child-raising to take precedence over your marital relationship. A great marriage is the best gift you can give your children. Get away from the kids on a regular basis. Find a good sitter! Arrange for an overnight with just the two of you at least once a year. Talk about matters other than the kids, the bills, the family. Someday it will just be the two of you again. Be sure you still know each other.
5. Take responsibility for your actions and affirm each other. Say, “I’m sorry” when you make a mistake or hurt your partner. Say, “Thank you” when they do something for you. Appreciate what your husband does! Don’t take “expected” action for granted. Recognition and affirmation are two of the best gifts you can give each other. Spend them freely.
6. Don’t take on the persona of, “I shouldn’t have to ask – he should know.” This is one of the greatest mistakes women make in a relationship. I hear women say things like, “But if I have to ask for it, the real meaning/pleasure/gesture is lost.” Get over it! Men can’t read our minds. They’re not always tuned in or on the same wave length. Maybe they just don’t know. Be a big girl and ask for what you want! (I’m pretty tough on this issue)
7. Get help if you need it. Don’t put your head under a bushel. If your relationship is in trouble (no matter whose “fault” either one of you thinks it is), seek out ways to make it better. Find a relationship coach, a therapist, a marriage counselor, a book – I highly recommend John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus In the Bedroom (it’s on tape so you can listen to it together), Don’t give up – keep searching and talking and striving until things get better. The answer rarely lies in changing partners.
Here are some things I’ve learned in my walk through life - as a divorced single mom, widower, and over 50 remarried - about finding and sustaining a “soul-mate” relationship:
1. Know who you are and what you want. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t know what it is. As women look for love, we often take what comes our way rather than seeking what and who we want. Knowing the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with comes from knowing who you are – your values, interests, what you can/will tolerate, what you won’t.
2. Learn how to disagree, speak your mind, and/or confront.
Avoiding conflict is death for a marriage. It may seem like you’re on the right path by never, ever arguing or disagreeing but avoiding conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. Passion is extinguished in this environment. Learn to fight fair and keep the slate clear. (see article on What Are You Afraid Of?)
3. Speaking of passion – keep the fire lit! I think women often underestimate the critical role sexuality and having a really good sex life plays in a successful marriage. Men, you know what I’m talking about! Create romantic opportunities, ask for what you want, talk, talk, talk – do what you as a couple need to do to keep this aspect of your relationship alive and well.
4. Don’t allow children and child-raising to take precedence over your marital relationship. A great marriage is the best gift you can give your children. Get away from the kids on a regular basis. Find a good sitter! Arrange for an overnight with just the two of you at least once a year. Talk about matters other than the kids, the bills, the family. Someday it will just be the two of you again. Be sure you still know each other.
5. Take responsibility for your actions and affirm each other. Say, “I’m sorry” when you make a mistake or hurt your partner. Say, “Thank you” when they do something for you. Appreciate what your husband does! Don’t take “expected” action for granted. Recognition and affirmation are two of the best gifts you can give each other. Spend them freely.
6. Don’t take on the persona of, “I shouldn’t have to ask – he should know.” This is one of the greatest mistakes women make in a relationship. I hear women say things like, “But if I have to ask for it, the real meaning/pleasure/gesture is lost.” Get over it! Men can’t read our minds. They’re not always tuned in or on the same wave length. Maybe they just don’t know. Be a big girl and ask for what you want! (I’m pretty tough on this issue)
7. Get help if you need it. Don’t put your head under a bushel. If your relationship is in trouble (no matter whose “fault” either one of you thinks it is), seek out ways to make it better. Find a relationship coach, a therapist, a marriage counselor, a book – I highly recommend John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus In the Bedroom (it’s on tape so you can listen to it together), Don’t give up – keep searching and talking and striving until things get better. The answer rarely lies in changing partners.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Dating Tips: The First Impression Matters
Ever had a love at first sight encounter? Totally captured by her beauty the first time you laid your eyes on her? Having sleepless nights thinking about her? That first impression she left with you was sure astonishing wasn’t it?
The first impression you give plays a very important part in the blooming of a love relationship. It determines the ever possibility of a development of the relationship. Would you fall in love with someone whom you don’t have any good impression at all? The chances are, if you have a bad impression of someone, it is very likely that the more you see him the more you will dislike him. It is very hard to change one’s thinking once it is set in his mind. It will need a lot of time and regular communication between both to break down that wall. So even if you can’t impress that special someone the very first time, make sure you will not displease him or her. You can still work on your chances at a later time.
How can you impress someone? Well, you may be the kindest soul, so helpful; caring, fun loving and easy going whom all your friends enjoy your presence. But does that someone know? No, if there are no chances of both of you going out together, going out on a date, there’s no way he or she will ever get to know you more. You have got to make that someone notice you, make your presence be known. You got to first impress him or her!
Very naturally, humans tend to make judgment of another just by their very first acquaintance with the person. Decisions were made almost at that very moment of your job interview? Your physical appearance, the way you talk, all your little behaviors you show, will decide what kind of a person you are to them and this impression is going to be set in their mind unless some thing or someone changes it.
So what can you do? What should you take note of? First of all, your appearance of course. Your physical appearance is the very the first thing that catches a person’s eyes. Put on your very best look! But do however dress appropriately. If you are going for a ball, you will not go in your jeans and tee and if you are going for a barbeque, for heaven’s sake, please don’t go in your tuxedo or suits. Other than your physical appearance, you have to also be careful with all your little actions, the way you speak, the way you eat, the way you look at others etc.
Look for chance to strike a conversation with that someone. If not a personal one, a little group conversation will be good. Try to participate in the conversation, getting his or her attention. Look into the eyes, drop him or her a nice warm smile. Let that someone know that his or her presence is felt, being felt by you. A smile with the right eye contact at the right timing can sometimes works wonder than to words. But please, keep the conversations entertaining. If you are bad with jokes, don’t try it! Don’t risk making yourself a clown.
For guys, show your gentlemanliness, hold the door for her, offer seat to her; offer her a ride home etc. But remember, be natural, take things slowly, don’t overdo it and scare her off the very first time.
For girls? Well, you always got a little more privilege. Just be sure not to make yourself look unfriendly. Smile, look him in the eyes and drop him a nice little sweet smile of yours. Do you know that your smile is enough to melt a man’s heart?
Well all these little things count, your little efforts will pay off. Nonetheless, it’s always good to leave people with a good impression of yourself rather than a bad one, isn’t it?
The first impression you give plays a very important part in the blooming of a love relationship. It determines the ever possibility of a development of the relationship. Would you fall in love with someone whom you don’t have any good impression at all? The chances are, if you have a bad impression of someone, it is very likely that the more you see him the more you will dislike him. It is very hard to change one’s thinking once it is set in his mind. It will need a lot of time and regular communication between both to break down that wall. So even if you can’t impress that special someone the very first time, make sure you will not displease him or her. You can still work on your chances at a later time.
How can you impress someone? Well, you may be the kindest soul, so helpful; caring, fun loving and easy going whom all your friends enjoy your presence. But does that someone know? No, if there are no chances of both of you going out together, going out on a date, there’s no way he or she will ever get to know you more. You have got to make that someone notice you, make your presence be known. You got to first impress him or her!
Very naturally, humans tend to make judgment of another just by their very first acquaintance with the person. Decisions were made almost at that very moment of your job interview? Your physical appearance, the way you talk, all your little behaviors you show, will decide what kind of a person you are to them and this impression is going to be set in their mind unless some thing or someone changes it.
So what can you do? What should you take note of? First of all, your appearance of course. Your physical appearance is the very the first thing that catches a person’s eyes. Put on your very best look! But do however dress appropriately. If you are going for a ball, you will not go in your jeans and tee and if you are going for a barbeque, for heaven’s sake, please don’t go in your tuxedo or suits. Other than your physical appearance, you have to also be careful with all your little actions, the way you speak, the way you eat, the way you look at others etc.
Look for chance to strike a conversation with that someone. If not a personal one, a little group conversation will be good. Try to participate in the conversation, getting his or her attention. Look into the eyes, drop him or her a nice warm smile. Let that someone know that his or her presence is felt, being felt by you. A smile with the right eye contact at the right timing can sometimes works wonder than to words. But please, keep the conversations entertaining. If you are bad with jokes, don’t try it! Don’t risk making yourself a clown.
For guys, show your gentlemanliness, hold the door for her, offer seat to her; offer her a ride home etc. But remember, be natural, take things slowly, don’t overdo it and scare her off the very first time.
For girls? Well, you always got a little more privilege. Just be sure not to make yourself look unfriendly. Smile, look him in the eyes and drop him a nice little sweet smile of yours. Do you know that your smile is enough to melt a man’s heart?
Well all these little things count, your little efforts will pay off. Nonetheless, it’s always good to leave people with a good impression of yourself rather than a bad one, isn’t it?
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