The Three Stages of Mending a Broken Heart

You’ve been dumped.

Short of throwing yourself off the nearest bridge, you resort to hiding in your bed for days, comforted only by the fact that at least you have a year’s supply of Moonpies by your bedside and your answering machine is on the alert in the hopeful case that your once loved one might call and beg to have you back.

Only, that call never comes and that box of Moonpies? It’s a constant reminder that the emptier it gets, the more bloated you are. But, you don’t care. You wish the earth would open you up and swallow you whole. Sound familiar?

Cases like this happens everyday.

Falling in love has its risks and you’ve just experienced it first hand. You want your life back but don’t know the first thing about how to get out of that black cloud that hovers over you, or even finding the energy to do it.

What do you do?

Acknowledge the fact that you have to go through three different stages during a break-up. Once you realize this, you can chart your progress and see that it’s only a short trip to recovery.

STAGE ONE – The Hurting Stage

Symptoms: This is the hurting stage. It’s where you are now. It’s your heart’s way of telling you that you have just experienced the worse kind of hurt there is. You cry, you’re depressed and you have no idea how you are going to live without him/her. You leave messages on his answering machine and text him to the point where you are becoming psycho. You drive by his house in the wee early morning to see if his vehicle is still at his house or he is – gulp – off with another woman. You drive by where he works and contemplate going in and crying your eyeballs out to let him know this has hurt you beyond repair. You either eat tremendous amounts of comfort food or you don’t eat at all and your health suffers. You cry on your co-worker’s shoulders and hope they can help you get out of this mess. You are, essentially, gone and a hopeless mess.

How to cope: Now more than ever would be a good time to hang out with friends and watch a few comedies, even though you just aren’t up to it. Rekindle family relationships. Talk to older family members about how they met their husbands/wives and how they coped with troubled relationships. Gain insight from them. Try to remember things that brought you happiness. Was it a bike ride through the countryside? A trip to the beach even in the cold of winter just to watch the waves lap against the shore? How about that closet that is in desperate need of rearranging/cleaning/sorting? Now is the time to focus on you.

You have to acknowledge that this is the normal process of grieving a relationship that has died. Nothing can really help at this point because as with the death of a loved one, this is the same feeling. It’s a natural process. Give it time and remember that soon you will enter the second stage.


THE SECOND STAGE – The Getting Even Stage

Symptoms: Remarkably, when your heart begins to heal, your hurt turns to anger. What nerve he/she had to dump me! You vow you’re going to make his/her life a living hell as long as you are alive. You start dating. Only, these are rebounds. Rebound relationships most times happen in this second stage. Some last, but most do not for the simple reason that you will do anything in your power to inflict pain on the one who did it to you.

How to cope: Once you get to this stage, you’re halfway there. Even though anger is not a healthy feeling to have, it is a normal reaction after you’ve gotten over the feeling of hurt. However, instead of going postal and risk the chance you may do something you’ll regret later, take his/her picture and throw darts at it. Burn love letters. Finalize the break-up by getting rid of everything you have of his/hers. But keep in mind that years from now, you’ll wish you did have some kind of remembrance of the relationship because it’s all part of your life history. Whatever you do keep, look at it as a symbol of how well you did cope and can look at the relationship as a learning experience.

STAGE THREE – The Not Giving a Damn Stage

Symptoms: You wake up one morning and ask yourself what you saw in this person in the first place. Nothing he/she does now bothers you. In fact, you are happy he/she has left because you are ready now to form new relationships, new loves.

How to Cope: You are there. When you hit this last stage, you have finally come to the point where you can go on from here and form new relationships. Relationships that aren’t rebound. When you finally get to this last stage, you will become the person you once were – full of happiness, hope and a quest for life.

Once you realize the three stages of a break-up, it helps you to understand the process that is involved. Just as it took time to fall in love, you don’t just fall out of it overnight.

It helps to remember that there will always be a tomorrow and that there is always that second chance to find that special person who is meant to share his/her life with you. Life is full of second, third and even more chances. So, pick up your heart, go through the process to heal and chalk it all up to experience. You’ll be glad you did. In the words of an unknown author, “Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.”

Keeping Love Alive

I believe that finding, sustaining, growing, and enjoying satisfying relationships is one of greatest joys and challenges we have as human beings. We have generally been blessed with a tremendous desire to love and be loved; to listen and be listened to; to take care of and accept care from others. And yet meaningful, sustainable relationships often elude us – especially as it applies to the opposite sex.

Here are some things I’ve learned in my walk through life - as a divorced single mom, widower, and over 50 remarried - about finding and sustaining a “soul-mate” relationship:

1. Know who you are and what you want. You’ll never get what you want if you don’t know what it is. As women look for love, we often take what comes our way rather than seeking what and who we want. Knowing the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with comes from knowing who you are – your values, interests, what you can/will tolerate, what you won’t.

2. Learn how to disagree, speak your mind, and/or confront.
Avoiding conflict is death for a marriage. It may seem like you’re on the right path by never, ever arguing or disagreeing but avoiding conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. Passion is extinguished in this environment. Learn to fight fair and keep the slate clear. (see article on What Are You Afraid Of?)

3. Speaking of passion – keep the fire lit! I think women often underestimate the critical role sexuality and having a really good sex life plays in a successful marriage. Men, you know what I’m talking about! Create romantic opportunities, ask for what you want, talk, talk, talk – do what you as a couple need to do to keep this aspect of your relationship alive and well.

4. Don’t allow children and child-raising to take precedence over your marital relationship. A great marriage is the best gift you can give your children. Get away from the kids on a regular basis. Find a good sitter! Arrange for an overnight with just the two of you at least once a year. Talk about matters other than the kids, the bills, the family. Someday it will just be the two of you again. Be sure you still know each other.

5. Take responsibility for your actions and affirm each other. Say, “I’m sorry” when you make a mistake or hurt your partner. Say, “Thank you” when they do something for you. Appreciate what your husband does! Don’t take “expected” action for granted. Recognition and affirmation are two of the best gifts you can give each other. Spend them freely.

6. Don’t take on the persona of, “I shouldn’t have to ask – he should know.” This is one of the greatest mistakes women make in a relationship. I hear women say things like, “But if I have to ask for it, the real meaning/pleasure/gesture is lost.” Get over it! Men can’t read our minds. They’re not always tuned in or on the same wave length. Maybe they just don’t know. Be a big girl and ask for what you want! (I’m pretty tough on this issue)

7. Get help if you need it. Don’t put your head under a bushel. If your relationship is in trouble (no matter whose “fault” either one of you thinks it is), seek out ways to make it better. Find a relationship coach, a therapist, a marriage counselor, a book – I highly recommend John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus In the Bedroom (it’s on tape so you can listen to it together), Don’t give up – keep searching and talking and striving until things get better. The answer rarely lies in changing partners.

Dating Tips: The First Impression Matters

Ever had a love at first sight encounter? Totally captured by her beauty the first time you laid your eyes on her? Having sleepless nights thinking about her? That first impression she left with you was sure astonishing wasn’t it?

The first impression you give plays a very important part in the blooming of a love relationship. It determines the ever possibility of a development of the relationship. Would you fall in love with someone whom you don’t have any good impression at all? The chances are, if you have a bad impression of someone, it is very likely that the more you see him the more you will dislike him. It is very hard to change one’s thinking once it is set in his mind. It will need a lot of time and regular communication between both to break down that wall. So even if you can’t impress that special someone the very first time, make sure you will not displease him or her. You can still work on your chances at a later time.

How can you impress someone? Well, you may be the kindest soul, so helpful; caring, fun loving and easy going whom all your friends enjoy your presence. But does that someone know? No, if there are no chances of both of you going out together, going out on a date, there’s no way he or she will ever get to know you more. You have got to make that someone notice you, make your presence be known. You got to first impress him or her!

Very naturally, humans tend to make judgment of another just by their very first acquaintance with the person. Decisions were made almost at that very moment of your job interview? Your physical appearance, the way you talk, all your little behaviors you show, will decide what kind of a person you are to them and this impression is going to be set in their mind unless some thing or someone changes it.

So what can you do? What should you take note of? First of all, your appearance of course. Your physical appearance is the very the first thing that catches a person’s eyes. Put on your very best look! But do however dress appropriately. If you are going for a ball, you will not go in your jeans and tee and if you are going for a barbeque, for heaven’s sake, please don’t go in your tuxedo or suits. Other than your physical appearance, you have to also be careful with all your little actions, the way you speak, the way you eat, the way you look at others etc.

Look for chance to strike a conversation with that someone. If not a personal one, a little group conversation will be good. Try to participate in the conversation, getting his or her attention. Look into the eyes, drop him or her a nice warm smile. Let that someone know that his or her presence is felt, being felt by you. A smile with the right eye contact at the right timing can sometimes works wonder than to words. But please, keep the conversations entertaining. If you are bad with jokes, don’t try it! Don’t risk making yourself a clown.

For guys, show your gentlemanliness, hold the door for her, offer seat to her; offer her a ride home etc. But remember, be natural, take things slowly, don’t overdo it and scare her off the very first time.

For girls? Well, you always got a little more privilege. Just be sure not to make yourself look unfriendly. Smile, look him in the eyes and drop him a nice little sweet smile of yours. Do you know that your smile is enough to melt a man’s heart?

Well all these little things count, your little efforts will pay off. Nonetheless, it’s always good to leave people with a good impression of yourself rather than a bad one, isn’t it?

Having sex or making love?

Actually, the difference between the two concepts is bigger than some of us would like it
to be. And, as almost every time, women feel it the most. What is the difference? Well,
love. Women need to be protected, looked after and loved as much in bed as in every day
life.

Keep in mind that this is not just a legend used by women to manipulate men. The
difference between having sex and making love, together with it's implications in a
couple's sex life is what many men forget when sharing the bed-sheets with a woman.

Clearly, everything written so far will not apply to one-night-stands. In those cases it is
all about a sexual intercourse between two people who only share their bodies. After the
bottom line has been drawn, most men feel good about themselves after a one-night-
stand, without thinking about their sexual performance. Totally pleasing a woman from
the very first time is no easy job as the only mystery she had disclosed is her body.

Yet, most men are attracted to one-night-stands or, with other words, to having sex. The
lack of commitment needed and the easy attaining of the main goal: feeling good, are just
two reasons pleading in favor of having sex.

On the other hand there is so much more between a man and a woman making love.
There are feelings and emotions, leading to a totally different connection between the two
of them. More than that, for women, one of the most important things during sex is the
environment. And this means everything from location to those few candles some like to
place around the bed.

Let's take them in turn a little bit. If you want to leave her smiling and begging for a
cigarette and some more there are some things you might like to take into consideration.

Trying dad's old car's rear suspension will make the car happier than her. The ideal
location would certainly be a bed in a nice and cozy room with nothing interfering with
the moment. Someone knocking on the door or even a ringing phone can have very
undesirable effects. Some candle-like lights and easy-listening music in the background
adds even more to the overall foreplay.

Explore every inch of her body and draw imaginary contours with your fingers and
tongue, kiss her neck, breasts, belly and legs, all in a specific order surrounding the most
important area and closing in at the same time. All this will increase the tension and when
that moment comes both you and her will feel the difference.

Communication is essential for great results. Men must pay attention to the unspoken
signs every woman gives them. Ignoring these signs will make women feel used. The old
legend that says that when a woman says "no" she actually means "yes" is nothing more
than a poor excuse so keep your ears open for her desires.

If all goes well, you might be given the supreme sexual command and that's "don't stop!"
When you hear that, whatever you do, DON'T STOP!

Finding Your Ideal Partner..

How would you describe the ideal girl of your dream?

“Oh, she has got to be beautiful with a nice figure, having a sweet and sexy voice, cheerful, gentle, considerate, kind-hearted, understanding, independent, musically inclined, share a common interest of mine, hmm… knows how to prepare nice food and… ”

Ok, that is enough. Now, do you think such a perfect person actually exists? Well maybe yes maybe not. But if everyone were to nevertheless, really have such a high expectations, love is certainly going to be hardly visible in the air. Don’t you think so too?

So, what makes an ideal partner then? Well before we go on, perhaps it might be good to know what an exact ideal partner are we discussing here? A dating partner or a marriage partner? Or has this question never even occurred to you before?

Ok, let us answer the question again separately. Hmm… maybe we shall get the girls to answer this time.

First question: How would you describe an ideal dating partner?

Common answers would include, “Dashing with a nice body, full of gentlemanliness, caring and considerate, having a good sense of humor, cheerful, fun loving, adventurous, full of fun and excitement, loves me dearly and etc”

Ok now the second question: How would you describe an ideal marriage partner?

Common answers would include, “Mature, got a sense of responsibility, cheerful, caring, understanding, honest, kind-hearted, having a financially stable income, knowledgeable, able to take good care of the family, loves me dearly and etc”

Notice the difference? An ideal dating partner and an ideal marriage partner is usually a very different person, perhaps just very a little in common I would say.

Well in a perfect case, an ideal partner should of course be best, both a dating and a marriage partner. Someone whom you enjoy dating, bringing you lots of fun, joy and excitements; at the same time someone whom is willing to share your problems and unhappiness, accepting all your negative habits and faults; committed to bringing you happiness.

But again, does such an ideal person exist? Can we really have both the pie and the cake? Think about it. Are we somehow setting too high an expectation? Unknowingly rejecting our chances? Losing the opportunity to be in love? Unknowingly bringing unhappiness to your relationship, yourself and your love? Hmm… well, do remember that we are afterall just talking about ideal here. Something, which is good to have, but not a must to have?

So before you are going to start complaining again that life is so unfair to you, ask yourself, “Have you really ever tried? Tried pursuing for happiness?”

Instead of always picking on your partner’s faults making life unhappy for both, have you tried looking at the other beautiful side of them, their beautiful qualities? Appreciating what you have already got? Tried improving on yourself instead, to becoming a better lover; a more ideal lover? Willing to open up yourself, giving both yourself and others a chance? Remember, what you expect of yours or your future partner is equally what he or she expects of you.

Going into a relationship is never a game. It is a long-term investment, an investment of love between the both of you. It is something which both have to genuinely think through and plan far. What would actually come after dating? Marriage is what I should suppose? Sharing the rest of your life, your future happiness with that special someone?

Well, if nothing were to go wrong in your relationship, your dating partner is eventually going to become your marriage partner, your life partner. Can I say so? Ok, to the girls, let me ask you a question. Would you share your happiness with someone that is full of fun and excitement to be with now, but deep down within yourself you know he is not going to be a good husband, someone who would not take good care of his family?

So again, what is your definition of an ideal partner? Someone whom truly love you, willing to share your problems and unhappiness or…? Well, the answer is within you. It has been with you all this while, only you can find the answer to this question. Your happiness belongs to you, nobody can decide for you. Be true to yourself, you should know what you really wants.

A Dream of the Perfect Partner

Understand the heart when thinking of loving one’s perfect partner...
Your dream is so beautiful and it is never to late to happen. What I would say is keep your dream close to your heart and visualize fully what it would feel like for your dream to come true and your perfect partner stepped into your life. Spend a little time now just going back to your dream remember the rose petals and smell their essence in the air. Hear the waves crashing on the beach and feel the sea air on your face.

Visualise your dream partner see how close to your perfect person they are. Imagine the feeling of holding them in your arms, see their beautiful cloths and smell them. Feel your heart swell with love for each other. Use your powers of visualisation to see them in your minds eye.

Know that they already exist in this world and are thinking of you in the same way at this moment in time. Feel the warmth of their thoughts surrounding you and embracing you. They are only ever a thought away from you. You’re both telephonically linked and will be drawn together.

Be patient, know that when the time is right it will happen in the perfect moment and be even more perfect than you have already imagined. See the hidden hand of nature working in your life. All the trials and tribulations you have experience have all been necessary. All the pain you have suffered has been put there to temper you, to give you the opposite of who you really are, so that you can have a clear vision of yourself in your magnificence.

Just take a deep breath, and breathe yourself in, connect to your higher planes and dance with the angels. Know that god has only brought you angels, so that you can know yourself in this moment of Now.

It is time to let your story go, it is time to be fully present in the now moment and to love yourself fully and connect to your magnificence. Breathe in your partner feel their essence feel your love flowing to them and theirs returning to you.

Know that this experience is real in this moment. You are truly blessed because you have realised that your happiness is not dependent on anyone else. It is all happening within you, yet it is even more real than life itself.

Know that the process of creation is thought, word and deed. Your dream is the finest state of thought, blended with your imagination and passion; creates a tremendous power and sets the universe in motion to bring that vision to you in your reality.

The synchrony of life is such that while your dream is burning in your heart. Your true soul mate is being drawn to you even as you read this. Feel them coming closer; in every second know that you are together already, there is no separation your hearts are joined in a bond of love, that can never be broken.

Please feel free to drop your comment.